Joy and sometimes dread come in the morning...

I've been a little quiet lately.  

Things happen around here and things are thought in my mind and it's often I find myself shutting down.  

The other day I shot this photo.  It's not much content, I know, but the sun is gently rising behind the fir in our yard. And I am reminded that there is beauty out there just waiting to be had.

Never mind that there's an autistic orangutan just trying to rip your face off living in your house. 

Beautiful sunrises still occur.

And so I keep pushing on.

Can I just say how much I hate Autism and this road I'm on with Cal? 

Because seriously, there are days, when I don't know how much I can take. 

I know people say that and then people trying to be supporting say things like "God never gives us more than we can handle" or "God gives special kids to special parents".

But if you have ever felt like I have felt than you know you want to get in your car and run those people over...slowly, intentionally...with a stolen cement truck with the spinny thing still going in the back.

Cal has been difficult.  To say difficult would be a vast understatement.  Those monkeys on planet of the apes taking over....that was difficult.  This is way over that. To the point I was in the doctor's office today crying, crying to the doctor about him. If you've ever cried to someone who listens to your seven year old's heart beat, there might be something wrong with you.  Just sayin'. 

But the lady did have some good advice.  She was able to get through to me enough to cut myself some slack.  

And she gave me permission to mourn.  This has been something I've been doing for the past four years...mourning. 

Mourning over the normalcy of child hood being gone.

Mourning over not being able to do normal kid things with him.

Mourning over not really knowing what normal is anymore.  

But she told me it's okay to do that and today I felt like this is what I've needed to hear.  She also gave me some wonderful advice. Here it is "kids with autism are not on the normal spectrum of what kids can do.  Some things they can do much better.  Some things much worse.  But life must be adapted for them and not them trying to fit into a normal life.  As you can't expect a blind child to know his colors so you also can't expect him to do things as a normal child.  You must give him boundaries and then expect him to do his own thing within those boundaries."

Wow.  That speech seemed life changing to me today.  

In homeschooling Cal has completely refused to do work.  Ugh, it's been like pulling hair out to get him to do anything.  In stepping back from the whole situation I am sure that he isn't learning in that kind of environment and it is such an emotional struggle for Emma and I to get him to cooperate that at the end of the day the whole family just feels drained and exhausted. 

So this afternoon I did what the doctor in more detail suggested I do...I insisted Cal stay in the homeschool area of the house and then I did school with Emma.  She and I got ALL of her work done in record time and he played with educational toys nearby.  He would often chime in if he knew an answer or recite memorization things that he was overhearing.  Overall it was very successful and seemed to do the trick in giving him a break but keeping him in the school setting.  

Hopefully in a week or so I can start gradually adding some school work in for him or to have him work with some more educationally based things that he can learn from.  

So that is where I've been in a nutshell.  I know probably several of you get where I'm coming from and those that don't I hope can empathize with me.  Still here alive and kicking and pushing on with the "dream" of Autism.  I know eventually this cloud of doom-feeling will pass and I will be able to enjoy the sunrises God puts out there for me to enjoy.